Every Film I Ever Watched! (2008)

To quote my torturer character at The York Dungeon: 'Oh, you're in for a treat today!' Bow before the combined glory (and occasional crapulence) of my 190-strong militia of films viewed in 2008! Each one comes equipped with a one (*) to five-star (*****) rating. New viewings are printed in bold. Now. My film tastes aren't exactly eclectic. I'm an antiquarian at heart, and could live quite happily in my black-and-white world completely undisturbed. Unsurprisingly, classic horror films constitute my bread and butter, the meat and drink of my film-viewing trade. Other commodities are up for grabs though. Among my wares you shall sample distinguished Disney films, Robin Williams spectaculars, a bit of Hitchcock, French imports, golden silents, historical dramas, anti-drugs propaganda, poverty row messes, Kenneth Williams comedy, direct-to-video animation, Charles Dickens, Charlie Chan, and, as Peter Cushing would say, 'lovely musicals'. Enjoy! And do be inspired to seek out the better films! My critical compass isn't entirely skewed, so you can be sure of an absolutely spiffing time!

JANUARY
1. The Adventures of Pinocchio (1984) **
2. Mary Poppins (1964) *****
3. Matilda (1996) ****
4. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) ****½
5. The Borrowers (1997) **
6. Night of the Eagle (1962) ****½
7. Performance (1970) ***
8. Quatermass 2 (1957) ****
9. Rebecca (1940) *****
10. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) *****
11. Beauty and the Beast (1991) ****
12. The Changeling (1980) ****
13. The Changeling (1980; with audio commentary) ****
14. The Mummy's Shroud (1967) ***
15. Sweet Sixteen (2002) ***½
16. House of Frankenstein (1944) ***

FEBRUARY
17. The Lion King (1994) ****
18. The Verdict (1946) ****
19. Robin Hood (1973) ***
20. The Hound of the Baskervilles (1959) ****
21. The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939) ****
22. Madhouse (1974) ***
23. The Pearl of Death (1944) ****
24. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007) *****
25. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937) *****
26. Them! (1954) ****
27. Sleeping Beauty (1959) ***½
28. Hercules (1997) ***½
29. Cape Fear (1962) ****½
30. Peter Pan (1953) ***½
31. The Monster Maker (1944) **½
32. Scared to Death (1947) *
33. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958) ****½

MARCH
34. The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) ***½
35. The Brides of Dracula (1960) *****
36. The Nanny (1965) ***½
37. The Changeling (1980) ****
38. Sweet Sixteen (2002) ***½
39. The Sealed Room (1909) **
40. Rear Window (1954) *****
41. Le Voyage dans la Lune (1902) ***
42. I Tre Volti della Paura (1963) ****
43. The Simpsons Movie (2007) ***
44. The Simpsons Movie (2007; with commentary track) ***
45. The Simpsons Movie (2007; with commentary track) ***
46. The Producers (2005) ****
47. Blood from the Mummy's Tomb (1971) **½
48. Matilda (1996) ****
49. M (1931) *****
50. The Wizard of Oz (1939) *****
51. The Wizard of Oz (1939; with commentary track) *****
52. The House That Dripped Blood (1971) ***½
53. Aladdin and the King of Thieves (1995) **
54. The House That Dripped Blood (1971; with commentary track) ***½
55. The Wind in the Willows (1996) ***
56. Hands of the Ripper (1971) ***½
57. Hands of the Ripper (1971; with commentary track) ***½
58. La Maschera del Demonio (1960) ****½
59. Matilda (1996) ****
60. La Maschera del Demonio (1960; with commentary track) ****½
61. Dark Water (2005) **½

APRIL
62. Enchanted (2007) ****
63. From Beyond the Grave (1973) ****
64. Lady Jane (1986) ****
65. 13 Going on 30 (2004) **
66. Operazione Paura (1966) ****
67. La Ragazza Che Sapeva Troppo (1963) ***
68. The Watcher in the Woods (1987) ***
69. Vredens Dag (1943) ***½
70. Metropolis (1927) *****
71. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) *****

MAY
72. Kiss Me Deadly (1955) ***½
73. Horror Express (1972) ***
74. Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy (1955) **½
75. House of Wax (1953) ****
76. Maria Marten, or The Murder in the Red Barn (1935) ***
77. Abbott and Costello Meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1953) ***
78. Matilda (1996) ****
79. Luther (2003) ****
80. Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949) ***
81. House of Usher (1960) *****
82. The Crimes of Stephen Hawke (1936) ***
83. The Sound of Music (1965) *****
84. Pit and the Pendulum (1961) ****
85. The Masque of the Red Death (1964) ****½
86. The Face at the Window (1939) ***

JUNE
87. Dead Poet's Society (1989) ****
88. The Omega Man (1971) **½
89. Notes on a Scandal (2006) ****½
90. It's Never Too Late to Mend (1937) ***
91. Demons of the Mind (1972) ***½
92. Demons of the Mind (1972; with audio commentary) ***½
93. Häxan (1922) *****
94. The Sphinx (1933) ***
95. Carrie (1974) *****
96. The Ape Man (1943) *½
97. Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951) ***½
98. Svengali (1931) ****½
99. Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1953) **½
100. Condemned to Live (1935) **½
101. Devils of Darkness (1965) **
102. Tell Your Children (1936) *½
103. The Borrowers (1997) **
104. The Blood Beast Terror (1968) ***
105. Pulp Fiction (1994) ****
106. The Monster Club (1980) **½
107. The Ladykillers (1955) ***½
108. The Notebook (2004) ***½

JULY
109. Poltergeist (1982) ****
110. Planet of the Apes (1968) ****½
111. The Fog (1980) ***½
112. Le Samouraï (1967) ***½
113. Mr. Skeffington (1944) *****
114. Sunset Blvd. (1950) *****
115. Léon (1994) *****
116. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) ****½
117. The Omen (1976) ****
118. The Phantom of the Opera (1987) *½
119. The Changeling (1980) ****
120. Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) ***
121. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) ****½
122. Carrie (1976) *****
123. Escape from the Planet of the Apes (1971) ***½
124. A Little Princess (1995) ****½
125. Damien: Omen II (1978) ***
126. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996) *****
127. Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (1979) *****
128. The Brides of Dracula (1960) *****
129. The Parent Trap (1998) ***
130. Beauty and the Beast (1991) ****

AUGUST
131. Dark Victory (1939) ****½
132. Elizabeth: The Golden Age (2007) ***½
133. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) ****
134. Twins of Evil (1971) **½
135. Carry on Screaming! (1966) **½
136. Carry on Henry (1971) ***
137. The Devil Rides Out (1968) ****½
138. The City of the Dead (1960) ****
139. The Private Lives of Elizabeth and Essex (1939) ***½
140. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) ***
141. Carry on Spying (1964) **½
142. Carry on Camping (1969) **½
143. Tell Your Children (1936) *½

SEPTEMBER
144. Old Acquaintance (1943) ****½
145. Fight Club (1999) ****
146. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (2001) ***
147. Awake (2007) ***
148. Bride of Frankenstein (1935; with audio commentary) *****
149. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) ***
150. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) ***
151. The Invisible Man (1933; with audio commentary) *****

OCTOBER
152. Une Femme est une Femme (1961) ***
153. I, Monster (1971) **½
154. Doomsday (2008) *
155. Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972) **
156. Une Femme est une Femme (1961) ***
157. Dr. Crippen (1962) ***½
158. Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) ***½
159. The Mystery of the Marie Celeste (1935) **½
160. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) *****
161. Bride of Frankenstein (1935) *****

NOVEMBER
162. The Time Machine (1960) ****
163. The Castle of Fu Manchu (1969) *½
164. The Grapes of Wrath (1940) *****
165. Great Expectations (1946) *****
166. The Canterville Ghost (1944) ***
167. Taste of Fear (1961) ***½
168. Bonnie and Clyde (1967) *****
169. The Blob (1958) **½
170. The Blood of Fu Manchu (1968) *
171. The Beast Must Die (1974) **½
172. Bowery at Midnight (1942) **
173. Notes on a Scandal (2006) ****½

DECEMBER
174. Charlie Chan in the Secret Service (1944) ***
175. The Chinese Cat (1944) ***
176. The Birds (1963) *****
177. Dr. Jekyll & Sister Hyde (1971) ***
178. The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971) ****½
179. A Christmas Carol (1938) ***½
180. Black Magic (1944) **½
181. A Christmas Carol (1910) **½
182. Tokyo Godfathers (2003) ***
183. Scrooge (1951) *****
184. Scrooge (1935) ***½
185. Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) ****½
186. Bean (1997) ***½
187. Countess Dracula (1971) ***½
188. Countess Dracula (1971; with audio commentary) ***½
189. She (1965) ***
190. Charlie Chan at the Opera (1936) ***½

Bring Back College!

I'll be frank: it hasn't been the best Christmas this year. As far as Christmases ago, it's been the worst. Various demons have conspired to do me down in the holiday weeks. They've taken the form of illness, overwork (the two are most likely inseparable), severe disappointment and family death. God, it's gone on and on. Once again I'm left with the feeling that we've had the best of it. The future's nothing but a series of painfully comic calamities. The human animal is a lonely animal, drifting through joblessness, impoverishment, spiritual unrest, social unease, heartbreak, denial and despair as the walls draw slowly in to crush the life out of it. This miserable picture of existence is not without benefits. Davies and I made a good spontaneous monologue out of it once, and it was just about the funniest thing either of us had heard up to that point. I've kept busy, as one inevitably must. I've inoculated myself with a fair few classic horror films - two today, Torture Garden (1967) and Eyes Without a Face (1960) - kicked back the standard History revision, and pored over Simon Callow's Love Is Where It Falls, as weepy and soul-cleansing a book as there ever was. I tried to ring in the new year with a bit of festive cheer, but the terrible, intolerable grind of life has creaked on. The worst of it is that I still don't quite believe that any of this babbling sentiment is true. The wheel will go on turning, and I'll wind up feeling exactly the same way all over again. It's a truth that should be acknowledged more often: some pessimism is vital to life. Thank goodness there's only one more day to go. Unless I'm impaled by a weather vane falling off my house or bludgeoned to death by a rogue beaver, I'm trusting it'll be a more relaxed and insular occasion. After that, I can immerse myself in the reassuring blur of work again. Work and structure. Controlled pressure too, the sort that society wants us to feel. Not this messy human nonsense.

Dragonwyck (1946)

The 1940s were a lonely time for horror fans. World War II cast dark shadows over Hollywood, and few studios besides Universal were willing to churn out their monster product with undimmed enthusiasm. The majors instead resorted to literary adaptations of horror tales, seeking to emphasise the psychological and artistic elements of their largely bloodless pictures. Hence we have Spencer Tracy's restrained, makeup-light remake of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941), a garish Phantom of the Opera (1943) boasting more opera than phantom, and The Picture of Dorian Gray (1945) with a discreet velvet curtain drawn over any homosexual subtext. All are good films in their own right, but there's little to compare with the barnstorming melodrama of the 1930s. Dragonwyck falls very much into this category. It's certainly a sumptuous production. Twentieth Century Fox gambled a sizeable budget on the success of Dragonwyck, and every sparkling penny shows on screen. There's the stark monochrome photography. The flowing white gowns, the stylish black frock coats. The doom-laden model shots of the mansion's exterior. These tantalising visual flourishes whet the viewer's appetite for terror, yet remain secondary to the film's success.

The main reason Dragonwyck succeeds is because it's astonishingly bitchy. Essentially a haunted house soap opera, it's altogether more fun to watch the cast whine, moan and grunt about each other than take in the ornate candelabras and stone griffins. In fact, there's not a single likeable character to be found. Walter Huston plays a curmudgeonly Bible basher you'll want to bash with a Bible. Anne Revere is a prudish, fast-talking shrew reminiscent of Miss Gulch in The Wizard of Oz (1939). There are at least two maids to abhor (maybe more, they did overwhelm me a bit): one a glazed-eyed, superstition-mongering busybody, the other a 'loathsome little cripple'. Glenn Langan's doctor, like most romantic leads in this sort of film, alternates between bewildering density and hot-headed stupidity, moving in on the leading lady so quickly that you question his upbringing. Top honours go to Vivienne Osborne as Johanna Von Ryn. All the poor actress seems to do is get very bedridden and scarf down pastries in the mistaken belief that you can 'stuff a cold'. It's a massive relief when Vincent Price zaps her to death with his poison houseplant. The source of Dragonwyck's perennial bitchiness is vague and inscrutable (and perhaps down to its status as a so-called 'women's picture'), but makes it devilishly entertaining.

Dragonwyck's other big draw is, quite naturally, Vincent Price. Suspended in that odd limbo between The House of the Seven Gables (1940) and House of Wax (1953), House on Haunted Hill (1959) and House of Usher (1960), Mr. Price once more emerges comfortably as master of the house, the gaunt, elegant proprietor of Dragonwyck. It's one of his best performances. Price's staccato delivery of the script's pedantic, flowery monologues reminds us what a fine dramatic actor he could be. Price's younger age helps as well - here is surely the definition of a beautiful man. His union with Gene Tierney makes for an almost hatefully pretty couple. And if nothing else, it's fascinating to see Price so perfectly coin his screen image fourteen years before AIP's Poe series. Here we have the chillingly quotable dialogue, drug addiction, brooding at stormy windows and standard fits of madness. What more could a horror fan ask for?

Revenge of the Phantom Blogger

I'll keep this short, seeing as... Well, exactly!

Writing is a discipline like any other, and my literary muscles have become unbearably flabby recently. Even the shortest sentence requires unimaginable effort - the words just aren't flowing anymore. Blame it on too large a helping of Christmas pudding. Blame it on a giant cold sore steadily engulfing my brain. Blame it on modern word processors making it impossible to write a satisfying, self-contained sentence without feeling the need to go back and edit it. Put the blame on Mame*. Whatever. And the College doesn't help matters with its slew of spiteful letters, ordering us to revise and relax in the same breath - as though the two practises were reconcilable! My head is full of thick winter fog, that vegative, paralytic state that prevents me getting all but the minimum daily tasks done and gives way to a great plateau of procrastination. There used to be such joy in the practise of bloggery - the belief that I was producing good, amiable work and enjoying it at the same time. I'd like to try and scrape back a little of that happiness. It was a very delicate flame to keep stoked, and one of the campers evidently rolled over and farted it out. So, with teeth gritted and hair clenched, write I must and write I will. It's something I have good fun with when I can be bothered to remember, and it'll be interesting to see how much column space I fill before the year is out.

Here is my manifesto, the mission statement, a short list of what you can expect to find here:

A diary. A very brief diary. And hopefully an interesting one. After all, there's nothing more boring than listening to someone else's problems! To be fair, it's more for me than you: a vital events calendar for an aged brain. I'll be telling you where I am, how I am, why I am, and if I am with more than usual regularity. You'll have fun with it!

Backstage sniping. I wanted to do a bit of this with Nineteen Eighty-Four, but I became lazy and complacent and the opportunity never quite arose. But with Pericles on the horizon, I thought I'd have a proper crack at chronicling the abundant traumas, frustrations and dilemmas that erupt in the rehearsal room. Hell, nobody reads these things anyway, I can get as nasty as I like. I'm also trusting nobody has read Simon Callow's Being an Actor either, seeing as I'll be lifting most of the text from that.

Capsule film reviews. I love these things! With dogged conviction, I last year listed every movie I watched (all 190 of 'em - the list will materialise here soon), amended each with a one to five-star rating, then tried to juggle them into order of importance. This should fill the page quickly and easily when I'm in a spot of bother, so brace yourselves for lots of these.

Novellas. Tee-hee. You should be so lucky. Callum has an Agatha Christie-style murder mystery to come however, so perhaps I'll do a Dickens and publish it in serial format.

Philosophical essays and diatribes. I like these, but they're hard work. So until I get really angry about something or someone, these will be very much retired.

The derelict blog is still open to your abusive comments at Land of Phantoms. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of, though I do tend to clap my hands to my head and read it between my fingers these days. I believe that there was a particularly good post about Mr. Atkinson on there somewhere, so you may want to check it out.

Goodbile to all you lamentable carbuncles of festering pus! Here's to a merry 2009 of blog-headed blodge-doggery! And I suggest you comment if you want an encore.


*Davies ought to like that. It's a sort of retro Moulin Rouge number, only with more class and fewer whores.